2 August 2006

Ms. Hautpanz,

Please forward this message to Tim.

I don't know what your policy is on taking requests, but I hope you will consider this when you come out of suspended animation this fall.

'The soup' on the E network lampooned Ann Coulter in a clip of her on one of the 24 hour cable news networks, where she makes the comment that Bill Clinton's promiscuity is just his way of hiding his homosexuality.

Maybe she was the first woman to be presented with an honorary PhD. in Psychology from Bob Jones University, I don't know, but hearing her say that has caused me to have a paradigm shift in how I think about her. Up until I heard her say that, I despised anyone on the left or right for giving her free publicity for her book by discussing her controversial statements about 911 widows and whatnot. Clearly, anyone who takes issue with her and has a soapbox to stand on just falls into her trap, ultimately driving up sales of her books. The solution, as far as i was concerned, would be to completely ignore her, thus short-circuiting her marketing approach. Unfortunately, I was the only one on that bandwagon, as the mainstream media outlets are still using her as ratings-fodder.

But the soup clip made me realize that Ann Coulter is the Tom Green of political punditry- she will say or do anything, regardless of who it will offend or if it even makes any kind of sense whatsoever, just so long as someone pays attention to her. (perhaps her parents raised her in an environment where they completely ignored her.)

Anyway, my request, if you even do this sort of thing, is that you publish a cartoon where she is drinking milk straight out of a cow's udder, or some other such Tom Green-ery, to get people to pay attention to her or buy her books or put her on television.

Thanks, (hope you enjoy your vacation)

Marc Simpson

Marc Simpson,

Mr. Kreider believes that the only punishment for a pitiful glutton for the attention is, as you suggest, to deprive it of food by being unaware of it. (Moreover he cannot bear to devote the minimum attention necessary to her that it would require to satirize her.) He invites you to join him by envisaging the day when what thin beauty she has shrivels and her fame darkens and she becomes a seizing desperate crone, fading into what for her will be the hell of the total darkness. These are his words.

Respect,

C.-H.

 

4 August 2006

A slogan for the next few decades is contained in the following line from that story: "Ms. Morris lost to Sally Cauble, a teacher from Liberal, who has favored a return to traditional science standards.”

"Why don't you believe Saddam Hussein was behind 9-11? Is it because you Hate America?"

"No, it's because I believe in TRADITIONAL SCIENCE STANDARDS."

M.T.,

I make excuses to delay my answer. The communications with Mr. Kreider were more and more sporadic and disturbing throughout the hiatus.

He issues reserves on the subject catchiness of the slogan, "traditional standards of science." He fears that it misses the succinctness and cadence of "Oil Without Blood," "Free the Mumia," or "The Putting to Death of Whitey."

Respect,

C.-H.

 

16 August 2006

Hi,

We're featuring THE PAIN in our newsletter to librarians and we'd like to get a biography and publicity photo. Please check your page at http://freshfiction.com/author.php?id=13301

Sara Reyes

Sara Reyes,

In the name of Mr. Kreider I would thank you for this publicity. Such things mean more with him that they would in one healthy of esteem. Moreover he is a sucker for the librarian.

Regards,

C.-H.

 

17 August 2006

Dear Tim,

This is the second message. [Mr. Antipas’s first message concerned the Middle East, and was deleted unread.] There's no need to delete it, because I won't mention you know what. Anyway, I still love your comic and Emily Flake's comic, and you have been doing a bit better with putting in more chubby girls. But tell her that she hurt my feelings in her interview with the city paper. I quote:

CP: Do you have any stalker fans? Do comic artists get the stalky types?

EF: Not to my knowledge. I’ll get the odd e-mail—which is very flattering, because I don’t live anywhere where it gets published, so I don’t really know if people are reading it even. So it’s gratifying and daunting to think that people are actually reading it and judging it with their eyes. But no stalkers yet, but Tim [Kreider, cartoonist of CP’s The Pain—When Will It End?] and I both did get very strange, cryptic e-mails from the same guy in Baltimore requesting that we put more fat chicks in our cartoons. And this guy seemed to like Lulu because she was a fat chick. And I thought that was kind of weird.

CP: I’m sure you replied to that forthwith.

EF: His sentiment to me was that he loved this little fat girl and where could he find her. And his sentiment to Tim was, “More fat chicks.”

CP: And I’m sure Mr. Kreider responded in nothing but the kindest of ways.

EF: Oh, I’m sure he did. Tim is a very courtly gentleman.

In fact you did respond very kindly, and even offered to put a few more fat chicks in for me when you got the chance. When I heard you interviewed on the radio about six months ago, you didn't sound anywhere near as effete as I was expecting. In fact, if I had to describe your presentation in one word, that word would be, "courtly." I think I probably offended Emily because I didn't realize that Lulu was a representation of her inner fat girl. After all, they look nothing alike. I didn't really mean that I wanted to find the real Lulu. I realize that she is a cartoon character and I am happily married to my very own wife, and yes she is deliciously chubby. Anyway, I'd tell Emily that myself, but I wouldn't want her to think I was a "stalker". Sheesh!

Best Wishes,

Herod Antipas

[Mr. Antipas’s message was forwarded to Ms. Flake, who responded:]

things I have to say about that guy:

1: failed to see that I was NOT putting him in the stalker category, just as an odd emailer

B: [sic ] thought you would be effete

3: fuck him. seriously, fuck him and his prissy feelings and his chubby-chasing weirdassness. He sounds like one of those old hippies who, in reality, is just some douchebag with a grey ponytail.

3 (a). I am a little bit drunk.

anyway. 4 (c): fuck his fat wife.

 

17 August 2006

Tim (and Co.),

As much as I love our dear Pluto, your notion of 'no takebacks' should be, well, taken back. Keep in mind that the first asteroid ever discovered, named Ceres, was classified as a planet until it was discovered that it was nothing more than an unusually large member of a group of non-planets. Keep in mind, however, that the 2006 redefinition of 'planet', if passed, will officially make this asteroid into a Planet.

-Christopher Tubbs

PS: If you have a personal interest in the planets, I have found a fascinating (albeit simplified) explanation of how the planets, including the asteroid Ceres, are "placed", distance-wise, from the sun.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Titius-Bode_law

Christopher Tubbs,

Mr. Kreider refers you to his leading article in the New York Times for his final word on this subject, including the absurd applicant Ceres.

As you know, Pluto was destroyed. Mr. Kreider hopes that you are happy.

Respect,

C.-H.

23 August 2006

I read and appreciated your NYT op-ed piece about Pluto. I have personally proposed to the astronomical authorities (already forgot the name of that group, sorry) that Pluto be granted the status of "honorary planet", awarded a degree, such as a Doctor of Planetosophy, and pictured in the popular press with a black and purple mortarboard so as to demonstrate our societal commitment to and respect for him. After all, he is a tough, feisty little guy who has survived in a difficult orbit, dragging around a large but apparently useless moon (Can you say "He ain't heavy, father, he's my brother"?) in a cold and dark neighborhood. Perhaps being an "honorary planet" is itself something of a letdown, but it's better than being a "Kuiper Belt object." Let's give him his props and declare him the last of the planets. As for those planetary-wannabes out there, everybody knows they aren't planets and shouldn't be called planets. We can just call them Spaceballs.

Regards,

Rob Rachlin (after whom no solar system objects have yet been named)

Greensboro, NC

Ron Rachlin,

As you know, the taxonomic destiny of Pluto has been decided. But it seems possible that the combat is not yet finished; some astronomers have rebelled to have this new definition foisted on them. Perhaps Pluto is still not "out of play."

One of the correspondents of Mr. Kreider's informs him that that on the national mall in Washington there is a scale model of the solar system, and at the stone obelisk representing Pluto a miniature tomb was created, with flowers and cards of sorrow, including one saying “we will miss you!" signed by all the of other planets. He is touched by this and of the hope that you will appreciate it.

Respect,

C.-H.

 

23 August 2006

I understand that Tim Kreider is quirky and irreverent, but I couldn't figure out why, in Tim's most recent cartoon, Clarence Thomas is pictured thinking about a trashy novel in lieu of listening to oral arguments.

I do know that CT received mixed "qualified" and "not qualified" ratings from the ABA prior to being appointed; I am aware of the details of the Anita Hill scandal; and I also know that CT rarely speaks during oral arguments.

Like Tim, I don't agree with most of CT's legal positions, and I think that, given his ABA ratings (among other issues), it's not unreasonable to argue that CT doesn't belong on the Supreme Court. Even so, I think it's absurd to suggest CT would be thinking about such a trashy so-called "Black Lit" novel on the job.

CT would much rather be reading Ayn Rand or Thomas Sowell. Picturing CT reading a book about a black "gang bang" not only brazenly crosses a line, but also makes absolutely no sense. The comic implies he's thuggish, trashy or stupid, and he obviously isn't. He's a conservative (or more precisely, originalist) intellectual. With this comic and its obviously racist implications, Tim is unnecessarily alienating a good portion of his fans.

In the future, Tim should stick to satire that is fact-based.

Boyz Rule:

Mr. Kreider gave to your complaint the serious thought, because he is concerned not to be a jerk. He has decided that in the light of the decision Bush v. Gore and its consequences, no shot is too cheap, nor blow too low, for any conservative justice. Clarence Thomas was only the most obvious target. (The cartoon has reference to the well-known charges of sexual harassment and predilection for pornography against Justice Thomas.) In his opinion a conservative intellectual is not more to be respected than a Nazi intellectual. He is an impassioned person and hyperbolic only I assure.

“Black Attack Gangbang IV” is a video, not a novel, and the title is an authentic one which amuses and delights Mr. Kreider unaccountably.

Respect,

C.-H.

 

24 August 2006

To be Forwarded to Mr. Kreider

Or perhaps you can just whisper it in his ear:

I applaud your latest efforts at getting away from the internet, and am much in envy of your enterprising use of talented young women.

Your pal,

Nick G [Nicholas Gurewich, Perry Bible Fellowship]

Nick,

Ms. C.-H. passed your kind message on to me. Yeah, the Hiatus really worked out for me--an op-ed in the Times, a commentary for ABC World News Online, and an appearance on Nightline (which I kept calling "Loveline" in front of the crew). I'm back on the job as of next week, though, so I'll soon be returning to my hard-earned obscurity.

O, that Miss Hautpänz! You oughta see how she sharpens the ol' pencil.

Tim

 

24 August 2006

Ms. Hautpanz,

Please advise Tim that he now has a new fan. His Op-Ed in the New York Times today is one of the funniest things I have ever read.

I would be clever about this, but I'd never be able to keep up.

So please - and I can't believe I'm actually requesting this - add me to whatever kind of mailing list you guys have. I want to be able to laugh like that every day of my life - or at least on some other random Thursday.

And if you don't have a mailing list, please just accept my sincere appreciation.

Thanks,

Nancie S. Martin, Central Park West

Nancie S. Martin:

I will pass to him your appreciation above. They will mean much with him. I thank you for your pleasant words.

To be advised, however, that the mood of Mr. Kreider' s humor is in general less soft than shown in its this article, from which many abusive partisan political references had to be excised.

Respect,

C.-H.

 

24 August 2006

Is that a bugle I see in the chip category of the food torus? You're a fucking genius.

best,

Mishka

Mishka,

It is true that I am a genius. And, yes, good eye—it is a Corn Bugle. I have always believed the Corn Bugle to be by far the best of all chip-based snacks. They’re so incredibly fucking good I only allow myself to eat them every few years, until I almost forget they still exist. Come to think of it, it’s getting to be About That Time.

Tim

 

24 August 2006

Tim,

Your Pluto article in the new york times was genius. I get personal about Pluto too. I'm a children's singer/songwriter based in Chicago. And today the Scientists killed my song "nine planets" which I wrote several years ago for a 4 year old whose favorite planet was Pluto… Hannah is the four year old who asked me to write it and I'm sure you know who Clyde is. Thanks again for your eloquent defense of Pluto.

Sincerely,

Justin Roberts

www.justinrobertsmusic.com

Nine Planets (from the cd Not Naptime)

You’ve got nine planets in the solar system
Some are so darn small you might have missed them
Like my favorite one, that’d be Pluto
It’s so alone and far away
You want to put it in your pocket for a rainy day and sing

Nine planets in the solar system
If we had to name them all
We just might miss one or two or maybe three let’s wait and see

Mercury, well it’s too hot
Is Venus cold?, it’s just so not
Some people say Mars has got Martians and I guess they got a point
But Earth’s got weird people too

Jupiter, well it’s not small at all
And Saturn with its rings, it’s not like a ball at all
Neptune and Uranus should hardly detain us
When Pluto ’s just right down the hall

It’s so alone and far away
You want to put it in your pocket for a rainy day
Take it out every once in a while and say
That’s a mighty nice planet that I got, why yes it is

(for Clyde & Hannah)

Justin Roberts,

Mr. Kreider thanks you for your sincere commiseration and expression of sympathy for the loss of our loved ninth sister. He appreciated your song of protest. Now we all place Pluto in our pocket for one rainy day.

Respect,

C.-H.

24 August 2006

"Planets, like Supreme Court justices, are appointed for life, and you can’t blithely oust them no matter how eccentric, skewed or unqualified they may prove to be. If they could kick out Pluto, I warned, they could do it to anything, or anyone."

Yes! After almost 70 years, what's the big rush to eliminate a planet? These guys have far too much time on their hands. It 1.orbits around the sun, and 2.has a moon, for goodness' sake. Just leave well enough alone.

James G. Bogle, Jr.

Senior Assistant Attorney General, Columbia, SC

Jim Bogle:

Mr. Kreider is pleased to see that a civil servant of high rank such as yourself takes an interest in the case of Pluto. If only it could have had a political or legal intervention at the eleventh hour, like in the case of Terri Schaivo. But alas Pluto was allowed to expire.

Mr. Kreider appreciates your words of commiseration and knows that you join him in weeping over the loss of our proscribed sister world, Pluto.

Respect,

C.-H.

24 August 20006

Do not be sad but rejoice - millions of astrologers are fuming in anger.

Christos Dimitrakakis

Christos Dimitrakakis:

True, the experts of the nonsense and the bilkers of the credulous are "thrown for the loop."* Moreover, advantage to Gustav Holst. However I do not mention these "silver-plated linings"* to Mr. Kreider while he is in a black mood after the destruction of Pluto.

Respect,

C.-H.

*I practise my American idioms.

25 August 2006

I share Tim Kreider's pain ("I Love Pluto," NYT, Aug. 23). Imagine how I, other Christophers and fellow travelers felt when the Vatican dropped Saint Christopher from its list of saints.

Christopher Henze

France

Christopher Henze,

This news disturbs Mr. Kreider about Saint Christopher. As “planet” means “traveller” all planets are in a sense "fucked by" the de-beatification of Christopher. (Although Mr. Kreider specifies that planets are at least a true thing, thus the loss of Pluto must be taken more seriously than that of Christopher.) If all is well, he says, Saint Jude always "hangs inside there."

Respect and Sympathy,

C.-H.

 

25 August 2006

No planethood for Pluto! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

I'm GLAD Pluto isn't considered a planet anymore! I've been against it since I was at high school. Pluto should never have been considered a planet in the first place. That's what happens when wishful thinking wins out over science.

Now let's put the world's nuclear arsenal to good use and steer Pluto into the Sun before it gets promoted again.

Sorry Tim, but that's been bugging me for 25 years. Fucking jumped-up asteroid.

Hope you're well. Come back soon!

Regards

Ray

Ray Taylor,

You will excuse me if I refused to communicate your taunting message to Mr. Kreider. Hatred burns the fiercest with him and I am unexplainable for his actions. Moreover it is the best for the peaceability of my environment of work the earlier his furies over the destruction of Pluto are finished to the bottom.

Respect,

C.-H.

 

28 August 20006

DEAR MRS. HAUTPANNS:

WHER IS MR. KRIEDOR? ME AND IRMA MISS HIS NICE PICHERS OF OUR PRESDENT.

WE HOPE MR. KRIDER'S BROKEN HIATUS DOESN'T HURT TOO MUCH. IRMA'S PA HAD ONE AND IF YOU PUT YOUR EAR TO IT YOU COUD HEAR IT GURGLE AFTER HE ATE CHILI.

SINED, A FAN

Tom Stinnett,

Mercies of Mr. Kreider for your concern. His hiatus will be soon at an end, when the "glouglou" ceases if all is well.

Respect,

C.-H.

P.S. English is not my first language as well.