August 2007

1 August 20007

As is often the case....the cartoon is hilarious and sadly true.....and the artist's statement is even more so.

"we have all worn the diaper"

Truer words have never been spoken!  Hold it together, man!

Also, to the admirable "screener and reader of emails"....i enjoyed last week's guest cartoon very much.  Nice to see a little female perspective at the Kreider site.  Hope your graphic novel is proceeding well.

Cheers

Eli Friedmann

Fellow resident of NYC.

Eli Friedmann:

I too am satisfied to see Mr. Kreider making with something of productive of his pains. If all is well it is a symptom of recovery. But I always fear the breeches.

I am happy of knowing that some of the readers appreciated my own effort. My graphic novel is filled in the pencils and requires only the constraint of inking. This takes time however and it is the best I withdraw my demanding functions in order to subject the work finished with my editor in time.

Respect,

C.-H.

1 August 2007

loved the quote so much.

Evan Stiles:

It is intense to see the double significance of the dumb cry of Mr. Coyote' s for the assistance, to be saved not only from the onrushing rock or anvil but the Sisyphean rock of his own badly directed and insatiable desires.

Respect,

C.-H.

2 August 2007

Please forward my gratitude to Mr Kreider for this week's cartoon and its comments, which were the most touching, heartfelt and true to life ones in a long time, not only in Mr Kreider's production, but among all the web comics I read.  Thank you again.

Kai-Mikael:

It is by far the most personal report of the artist of Mr. Kreider's. It is rare so that he allows his chaotic and unhappy personal life to impose itself in the report and a measurement of his current fragile state. I am sure he will be reassured to know that it resounded with readers.

Respect,

C.-H.

 

2 August 2007

Dear Mr. Kreider,

The consistency with which your artwork has moved me over the past several weeks is nothing short of astonishing.  You undoubtedly have a spirit deeply connected to the essence of the human condition.  When the H-Bombs start to fall, I firmly believe that you will survive, thrive, and in the Mel Gibson/Kurt Russell-esque aftermath, go on to become a White Poet-Warlord with the best of them - and our world will be much the better for it.

I'll spare you the wordiness of my previous letters and simply say that your simple statement that "Often you just don't know whether you're the hero of a date movie or the villain on a Lifetime Network special until the restraining order arrives" contains a noble truth so compelling that it nearly moved me, quite literally, to tears.  I, too, recently came to a corssroads of such a "profound romantic gesture."  Everyone does, every day, I am convinced.  Anyone who says they don't is lying through their teeth, or is living such a selfish, manipulative, denuded existence that I would barely venture to call them human beings, and even then in shape only.

My story, whose details are trivial, ends with my uttering the words ăSelon moi, tu es morte.╚ -- "You're dead to me."

I'm sadly convinced that most of these stories end this way.

--Mathieu Moyen

Mathieu Moyen:

Mr. Kreider deplores that only that atomic holocaust could cause the respect and the stature social his work deserves. He wishes ardently for the H-bombs to fall so that his new life can start.

All the love affairs finish in the death of the emotions, until that which does not--which Mr. Kreider reminds ends in real death.

Resepct,

C.-H.

2 August 2007

Pass this along to Mr. Kreider:

http://www.tax.ok.gov/plates/sp145.html

Oklahoma is now offering global war on terror license plates.

Peter Mullins:

I will this information ahead to Mr. K. It will depress him in a manner that is familiar with him, and will be thus a kind of comfort.

Resepct,

C.-H.

 

2 August 2007

This week's essay is truly wonderful. 

G.C. Teg Pipes,

Thanks very much for saying so. You put yourself out there like that, the worry is that people will think you are an insane person, so it's good to know it's not just me.

Now don't run off and kill any exes or the cops will search your emails and the press will blame me for it.

Tim

 

8 August 2007

Hey dude,

Sorry ya got dumped. Nice comic though. Few things are funnier than a picture of a guy getting blown by Kermit the Frog, though I question your choice of assassination targets. I suppose the correct choice lands you in Gitmo, which, on the upside, might give you that Che Guevara t-shirt appeal.

You ever consider dating that smokin' hot personal interness of yours?

Warmest regards,

T.S. McBride

Fan of your work in Dallas, Texas

Thomas McBride:

Mr. Kreider thanks you for your sympathies on his romantic tribulations, although before I composed this answer the worst has, with recognition, passed. Not all the readers appreciated the fellating frog-puppet as you have.

I regret it would require more than indefinite detention to lend Mr. Kreider the sterile call of the shaggy revolutionist. In spite of my admiration for his work, my relationship with Mr. Kreider is and will remain strictly professional, as I have explained to him many times.

On a personal note, Mr. Kreider invites you to fly out of the soulless hole of hell of Dallas.

Respect,

C.-H.

Soulless hell, indeed. Let us hope that Mr. Krieder genuinely has no idea just how right he is.

Warmest regards,

T.S. McBride

 

8 August 2007

Hello Ms. Hautpanz,

Thought Mr. Kreider would like to see how Harry from "Harry and the Hendersons" and Jeezus appear to have been born twins.

Jim Fisher:

I regret the lateness of this reply. The voyage and worry too much of my time occupied these last months.

Really, this juxtaposition is a thing to disturb. Wonders Mr. Kreider: Jesus and Bigfoot are the same? It is a theory to lend new resonance with the popular "Footprints" homily.

Respect,

C.-H.

 

9 August 20007

Subject heading: "If I See That Fucking Frog One More Time"

Seriously did that cockmongler Kreider really draw both angles of the same dick sucking frog scene in both cartoons? If so, thats skills. Otherwise it shitty photoshoop [sic].

And whats with that shit anyways? A fucking frog puppet sucking his crank while he's crying? And his last couple "how to win her back" and the now she will love me nuke thing? Has he turned into a whiny emo bitch? Tell him to get back to his murdering

republican fantasy cartoons or at least draw some fucking waminals and get over it. He/She/It wasnŇt worth it, and he can find someplace else warm, preferably moist, to stick his withering cock.

Yours Truly

Anonymous the Internet Hate Machine

 

Mr. Kreider's Reply:

 

10 August 2007

Firstly,

I wish to extend my sincerest hopes that Mr. Kreider's condition is improving or does so shortly.

Secondly,

I am truly inspired, although also saddened, by his most recent series of heartbreaking cartoons. Even though I tend to gravitate towards fart jokes after a lady hurts my feelings, I wish I could turn out work of this caliber instead. Really. They'll deny it, but all cartoonist exes read our cartoons long after they give us the boot.

Lastly,

None of it matters. Hurt feelings are something you just have to bottle up until they can be unleashed in an inappropriate drunken rage. Preferably towards an elderly person.

--Brian McFadden

www.bigfatwhale.com

Brian,

Thanks sincerely for your Kollegial kompliments of the recent kartoons. It's a new (or, rather, very old) direction for me and you never know how such things will go over. People responded pretty enthusiastically to my political work. One guy wrote in this week and called me "emo."

I visit an elderly comics critic at an assisted living facility (old folks' home) near me in New York City from time to time. He suspects nothing.

Tim

 

 

13 August 2007

Mr. Kreider,

As I have written to you before, I am a great fan of your cartoons and writing. Your humor speaks to me in ways that few others can reproduce.

From keeping up with your internŇs updates, I am pleased to find out that you are in Maine. I would very much like to buy you a drink if you come through Portland. You may reach me at either of the phone numbers below. If not, I completely understand, but please take a moment to review the link below for a refreshing view of the work we are doing in Maine.

Regards,

James Devine

James Devine:

Thank you for your words of support and pleasant invitation.  However, it proves that Mr. Kreider is not longer with Maine if indeed he was ever. As I say in this week's report, it seems possible to have gone to the Burning Festival of Man in the desert. I will make follow to your message him in case he returns to the New England however.

Respect,

C.-H.

 

13 August 2007

Dear 'Ms. Czochula-Hautp■nz,'

I had the pleasure of corresponding with Mr Kreider in May of last year, though I've changed my e-mail address since then.  At the time, he expressed a willingness to meet me if I ever visited New York city while he was in residence.  I believe that his assent centered on my offer of enthusiastic fellatio.

I understand that he is experiencing great melancholy at this time, and that he may not be interested in oral sex from anyone but Kermit the Frog.  Even so, I am going to be in New York on August 30th and 31st, and would enjoy a chance to meet him if he is still interested.  Perhaps I could find some way of cheering him up a bit.

Yours sincerely,

Martine

The answer of Mr. Kreider's is a confidential matter.

 

15 August 2007

Ms. Czochula-Hautp■nz;

First please add my name to the list of admirers of Mr. Kreider's work; I have enjoyed it immensely over the years.  My recent discovery of www.thepaincomics.com and Mr. Kreider's Artist's Statement has (unbelievably) increased my enjoyment.

And second, my enjoyment of The Pain has been tempered by Mr. Kreider's apparent decline into despair, and his disappearance.  You Ms. Czochula-Hautp■nz have done more than any interness is required to find your mentor and rescue him from his (I believe) self inflicted state.  I am not telling you you need to continue looking for him, and I do not have an answer to your question at the end of your 13 August 2007 column, "what do I owe this man?"  And you did not ask for my advice.  But if you do decide to keep looking for him and find him, I will offer my un-requested advice.

Slap the living shit out of him.

What drove Mr. Kreider to his current state is not going to disappear just because you find him.  I believe what is driving him down has been expressed by Mr. Kreider him self in his August 1st  Artist's Statement:

"Remember that pitiful mug shot of her face.I've seen that face before, very recently, in the mirror. And so, I suspect, at one time or another, have most of us. And frankly anyone who hasn't isn't the sort of person I can fully understand."

What is driving Mr. Kreider down is his lack of understanding.  He will recover and be back to normal (whatever normal is for Mr. Kreider) when he has understanding.  This understanding can not be given or simply explained. It has to be beaten into him.  Here are some inspirational phases that have worked over the years in fixing people with similar conditions:

"Cry?  You want to cry?  I'll give you something to cry about!"

"Ahhh, your life isn't working out the way you dreamed.  Well get a helmet!"

"All right she left you.  Get up and go get a new girl!  You think you get things in life for nothing?  No, you have to work for everything!"

"Do you realize there are 6 miners in Utah right now slowly suffocating, struggling to pull the last little bit of the remaining oxygen out of the dank, foul air, to get one more moment of life, even though that moment will be spent in the cold and dark, a thousand feet underground, alone except for the bodies of their friends who could not last quite as long?  And all the while the mine owner, who is rich due to the miners' back breaking labor, the risks they take, and now their drawn out deaths, is grand standing on National TV about the "heroic efforts he is claiming to make (but is not) to save them?  And you are god damn complaining about how difficult it is to draw a new cartoon ONCE A WEEK?"

Try screaming one or more of the above as you beat Mr. Kreider's sorry ass.

Hope this Helps,

Bob

Bob Cigarette:

I occasionally take part in some of the feelings you transcribe, though not in such rough terms. Mr. Kreider he is an aggravation and the man of frustration, to wish ardently on individual pity and expressions of despair while in reality he is without real problems. Alas, the "hard love," that does not function with him. Always only instead of that to cry and the sorry one. But the "soft love" does not function either. It is possible love does not work with him of the whole, except perhaps of the hated cat.

As for me, it is not very clear what are my functions and where my end of fidelities. The readers will be maintained with the current.

Respect,

C.-H.

 

16 August 2007

Keep up the entertaining travel log!

I am enjoying both the text and pictures.  The interesting word order is more endearing than it is incomprehensible.  Your life has become an american independent road movie/comedy it seems.

Who know what will be the end of the journey??

Eli Friedmann:

I must say that although I admire some specimens of the American film of the road it is not the kind only I had wished my life to be. Where indeed it will finish? If all does not go well, to Nevada.

My syntax is a cause of the embarrassment. I always seek to improve it.

Respect,

C.-H.

19 August 2007

Dear whoever reads this email,

    Just a few questions:   

    I am very interested in the 'hail! fellow lolipop' shirt.  Where did Mr. Kreider get it?

    What is a Jello wedding anyway?   

    Any new books being released soon?

    Oh yeah, I'm a big fan and all that stuff.  Tim K. rocks my socks or something.  No really.

Sincerely,

Timb (similiar names... is it fate?)

Timb:

The Hail! Comrade Inhabitant of the Forest-of-Lollipops shirt was made on order manufactured by one of the many former female friends of Mr. Kreider, when she was a girl. She is a journalist for NPR now. It is doubtful that she still manufactures such shirts.

The marriage of gelatine is an allusion to an old drawing of Mr. Kreider. It is an American habit of which I know nothing.

The next book will be probably after the end of Bush administration.

Your support of long date is appreciated. It will mean much with Mr. Kreider with saying that it rocks the socks.

Respect,

C.-H.

 

August 22, 2007

In response to this weeks artist statement--and you know I'm gonna weigh in on this, as it's about devastating emotional pain, which is the source of my own personal income--

rather than make you LESS popular, I'd say you hit a universal here. Republicans, libertarians, rosicrucians--we have ALL fallen hard on the pointy rocks in the Icarian attempt to be blissfully in love, damn our fucked up hearts and all that goes with them.

Too bad you aren't one to  seriously prostitute your pain; you'd be one of the more popular ladies on the street.

It seems to me, though, the profound pain of the human IS the living heart of the greatest humor; to stay conscious enough in the midst of it to see through to the other side, to document the absurdity of hope and reason and habit--all completely illogical tendencies in the face of the outrages of life--is a fairly heroic task. It Sucks to do, sure. It helps others, though, in surviving the wreckage so many of us make of our lives. 

 I  also enjoyed  your poetic (in a good way) musings on maturity, though.

Im guessing maturity IS the ability to get up off your ass when you know damn well it's not all going to be alright. Maybe maturity is not killing hope out of vengeance for hopes dreadful misguidance. Maturity is letting hope sing it's stupid little song one more time. Looking forward to more, if you can stand it.

"only the shallow know themselves"--oscar wilde.

Aimie

Aimie,

I was very moved by your words on pain and maturity and hope, damn its little siren song. You know that Nietzsche, that old kidder, wrote that hope was the worst of all the evils to escape Pandora's box?

If I could figure out how to prostitute my pain I would certainly peddle its ass to the highest bidder in order to be one of the popular girls. I just don't seem to be very marketable. Lately I've been thinking I'd trade talent for happiness without thinking about twice.

And yet I'll admit it did cheer me up considerably early this morning to read your message. It's heartening to know that I'm at least making someone else feel less lousy about her own wreck of a life. (Sorry to hear your life is also a wreck, by the way.) Still, you know the joke that ends: "But, doctor, I am Pagliacci"? That is me.

Tim

P.S. I forget what you do that depends on human suffering. Are you a dominatrix?

 

22 August 22, 2007

I and my friends have been consistent fans of your comics for a while now, whether political or not, and aside from a few rarities, you have always managed to make us crack a smile in a dark and dreary world, and even those rare times where you have not, you've at least given us something to talk about for a while.

Admittedly, we briefly wondered whether your new, non-political direction with The Pain lately was fictional, especially since you seemed to handle it better and more creatively than anyone we'd known who'd suffered heartbreak, but by this point I suspect that things are pretty real.

All I can say is that you have my utmost sympathies(the impact of which may be lessened somewhat when I confirm that I am no charming groupie), and that I'll buy you the alcoholic drink of your choice if you're ever stuck in Communist Denmarkistan, within the most dark and oppressed Socialist Scandinavia. I may not be the most grizzled veteran of the battlefield of love, and I may still have some youthful enthusiasm and fantasies left in my head, but your latest Artist's Statement resonated with me for reasons that I'll not elaborate on since it sounds like you've got enough on your plate without listening to my whimpering.

I hope things, ha ha ha, get worked out for you somehow(or barring deus ex machina, that you roll up your sleeves and kick the world's ass until THAT solves things.), it would be a shame if your wit and talent were to be lost to the dark corners of the world.

Most humbly,

A Viking Fan

Patrick,

Thanks sincerely for your kind words about my work, and for your personal sympathies. Sorry to confirm that the heartbreak is, indeed, real. I regret to hear that you are in similar straits. A heartbroken viking is not a thing to be contemplated by the faint of heart.

Thanks, too, for your generous invitation. Just out of curiosity, what is the preferred national alcoholic beverage of Denmarkistan?

Tim

P.S. I believe America is one of the dark corners of the world.

 

22 August 2007

Dear Mr. Kreider -

I'm sure you get letters like this all the time, but I thought this one might be especially welcome and/or necessary at a time like this. I just wanted to let you know that I admire you and your art very deeply, and The Pain has brought me much insight and enjoyment over the years. You are, without a doubt, one of the most brilliant caricaturists I've ever seen. Some of my favorite strips include: 'Me and George, We Got Problems,' 'Learn German While Drunk,' 'Contributions of the World's Religions,' 'Babies are Assholes,' 'Birthdays,' 'Silver Linings of the Holocaust,' 'How to Win Her Back,' and 'No One Loves Your Dog.' You seem underappreciated, which is a damn shame, so there's some for you.

Also, I wanted to issue an open invitation to you, should you ever be in the Connecticut area. My partner Adam and I have an apartment in Norwich, which is shooting distance from a very nice casino, as well as several ideal beaches for throwing large rocks into the ocean. Neither of us are axe murderers, we have a guest room, and we both greatly enjoy your work. A little about us: I'm an Iowa native, and I'm in school for medical illustration, starting a new career at 23 (yeek!) When I'm not doing that, I'm working at an art supplies store. And when I'm not doing that, I'm drawing, though it'll be a few years yet before my lineart is nearly as good as yours. Adam is 25, and he's getting his second master's degree, this one in library science. He likes to snark about politics over a glass of fine port. We're both staunch secularists, fighting the good fight for separation of church and state. If you feel like getting away for a while, you always have friends here in CT. Please write back to this address, or call (860) 617-7096 if you're interested, and we'll make arrangements.

I really do hope you feel better soon. And if I can help at all with that, please let me know.

-Carin-

Carin,

I'm sorry it's taken me this long to respond to your generous compliments and invitation. As you will already know if you've been reading the cartoon lately, life has been complicated lately. Suffice to say it remains complicated, but is much better than it was.

As it happens, I just spent several days in Connecticut. My good friends Jim (a.k.a. James the Large) and Sarah just moved to New Haven. They're both librarians. It occurs to me that you and Adam would probably like meeting them. Where's  Norwich in relation to New Haven? Perhaps I can combine visits next time.

Your kind words meant a lot to me, Carin. Thanks for being thoughtful enough to write. I look forward to meeting you both.

Tim

P.S. Twenty-three doesn't seem all that young to be starting a second career. It seems young to have a first one.

 

23 August 24, 2007

Dear C.-H.,

I've been following the comic online for about three years now, and quite enjoy it. If indeed Mr. Kreider is heading out to the Nevada desert next week, please pass along to him this invitation to come sit in our shade and drink beer. I am part of the Lazy-Ass Fucker camp, and we will be sitting in the shade drinking beer around the crossing of streets 7:00 and Arctic. We also have lots of paint and canvas, brownies, and habanero-stuffed-mushroom-death-bombs, if any of these blandishments appeal.

Sincerely,

Amanda

Amanda Mueller:

Regret for the late publication of this answer.

As it proved Mr. Kreider did not attend the combustion of the Man, as he was recalled to his house of Maryland for the burial of a friend. I was present but of course did not have access to the electronic version of correspondence in the desert. I consider it regrettable that I could not accept your kind invitation on its behalf. I hope your dead mushroom bombs were succulent as you had envisaged.

Respect,

C.-H.

 

23 August 2007

Hello Ms. Hautp■nz,

I've been a fan of Mr Kreider's for a number of years now, and have quite his comics through out this period.  Taking to the writings of comic artists that normally avoid being laconic seems to be a habit of mine.  His commentary has always been interesting to turn over, and I have found myself chuckling often at his dark tones.

Fan letters are not my normal fare.  While there is some awkwardness writing this, I'd rather do so anyway, as empathy and conscience seem my eternal companions.

From what you have posted you have traveled a fair amount for a good friend.  I feel somewhat envious of your travels as much of my road touring has left me with a much smaller number of friends visited this year.  I'm glad that you've kept up the energy and hope for your mentor

Thanks for your patience Mr Kreider and for me

----

Hey Tim,

As a a guy cursed with youth I'm still getting over my first emotional attachment of note (a process that will hopefully take less time than the man at the end of the bar; but has taken months longer than I'd like already) and one who is attending the Burning Man sending an email seemed like the right thing to do.  This is will be my premiere to any festival that attaches me to the inside of my car.

If you notice an upstart with a dark blond hair, dark green wide brimmed hat, and light brown boots appearing as the bane of the event (a mere observer!) there's a drink waiting for you.  I'm sure playing Where's Waldo with your fans while you're there is certain to be a trying experience

 Thanks for being my liver

Chuck Kirk

Chuck Kirk:

Although Mr. Kreider did not attend the burn of man as he was recalled to his house in Maryland with the burying his friend, he gives his gratitude for your offer. He regrets always to decline a drink. He has confidence that you did not wish ardently to remain only an observer and prolongs his hope that this dispatched your re-establishment of the emotive attachment. Always it is longer than we would imagine. Can it be the pain never finishes?

He says that you are welcome for functioning in so much as your liver, though unwillingly. He invites you to "take it easy" on him.

On a personal note I thank you for your words of me. Indeed I traveled and suffered much for this man. We always do what we judge that we are obliged to make, yes? In the name of our responsibilities professional or higher, fidelities intangible. Whether that effort was worth the sorrow remains to be determined. It is the manner of art and of love.

Respect,

C.-H.

 

23 August 24, 2007

Tim,

I just wanted to write to tell you that I was moved by your most recent artist's statement and (I feel someone needs to say this) I will continue to await with great admiration and anticipation your upcoming comics and statements, no matter the subject. I first became interested in your work when referred to it by a friend with similar lefty-wingnut politics to my own, as an example of excellent political satire and honest, openly progressive thought (we too have become more than a little jaded with mainstream "liberals" who inevitably kow-tow to the slightest hint of confrontation). Despite this purely political introduction to your work, I've found in the time since that the comics and statements I've enjoyed most have been the personal accounts, whether describing private pain or the joy brought by time with friends and admired colleagues. For example, the label "Ad Amor Per Aspera" to describe the Lisa Nowak style of "reconciliation" in the August 1st comic "How to Win Her Back" remains one of the funnier things I've read in several months. This could be because I am a Classics major, and take Latin as a foreign language at Tufts (my friends think I must be making a conscious effort to be as useless as possible, but I have been assured that this is a good route to law school, although at this point it feels like my friends may be right). It could be because the phrase "To Love through the Stars" being used to describe a woman wearing an adult diaper and hunting down the object of her affections with a BB gun is just unbelievably fucking hilarious. Ultimately, I guess it's just comforting to know that no matter the rate at which the world seems to be going to Hell in a hand-basket, we, the readers, can count on you to bring a little light into the situation. Even if that light just shows us how terrible things can get, at least we can see, and that's something.

Thank you for all of your hard work, and I sincerely hope things take a better turn for you soon.

Jim Wright

Jim Wright:

In the name of Mr. Kreider I am to thank you for your pleasant words concerning his work. He attends with the details such as the motto and is gratified to know that some among the readers appreciate them. However, is it not to be returned: "To the love by the difficulty?" Latin for stars I believe is astra, as in the English asters and asterisk. Perhaps I am confused in this as my English remains secondary.
The state of Mr. Kreider is improved much although, as always, far from ideal.

Respect,

C.-H.

First of all, it is nice to hear that my words were able to, in any small way, console Mr. Kreider in this difficult time. It is also good to hear that he is feeling better.

As to the Latin, it largely depends upon the era from which one is translating. "Astra" is, in fact, one of the terms for "star" in Latin ("sidera" is another, as in "sidereal," and other such words common in the turgid and purple prose of Victorian literature and trashy Harlequin romances). However the word "aspera," which comes to mean difficulty in later Republican and Imperial Latin, is grammatically related, and in fact means "stars" or "heavens" in earlier Roman literature, coming to mean difficulty through depictions in ancient legends of the trials of mortals in ascending to said heavens (much of this, of course, is conjectural on the part of linguists; we have only the words of wine-besotten monks butchering the Latin by candelabra from which to draw our literary conclusions, and even as such the surviving examples are, to put it mildly, few and far between). I would, of course, be remiss if I did not admit (in the interests of full disclosure) that the initial mistake was mine in mistranslating aspera as astra, and it is only by the happy coincidence of developing usage of semantics in ancient literature that I am not actually proven a complete idiot.

This translational situation, it should be noted, only makes Mr. Kreider's label for that particular panel even more especially apt and witty. Even if it was not his intent, the dual-meaning of the terminology used paints an even more romantic and vivid picture of the events described, especially considering the news-item by which it was inspired.

Once again, with all my best wishes to yourself and Mr. Kreider,

Jim Wright

 

23 August 24, 2007

Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear Mr. Kreider,

Fuck politics.  Draw whatever you like with confidence.  Your line art is narcotic.

Remember lines for the sake of lines, honor for the sake of honor!  These are things you can always have, even if no one else has them.  By this, I mean that a wee bit of self-pride can only help you, after a year as crappy as this one.

I don't really expect any of that to make sense, since I'm also an artist, and a little out of my head at the moment.  Ordinarily I am cynical enough to alter the pH of ambient water vapor, but you actually make me worry about you, sir.

With deepest concern for your well-being,

some chick in CA

Dear, Dear, Dear, Dear, Dear Chick in L.A.,

Thanks, sincerely, for your compliments on my work, your concern, and your kindness. It means a lot to me. I certainly don't mean to worry anybody and it's always embarrassing when I remember that people are out there looking at what I draw and reading what I write and might get The Wrong Idea. It's true I haven't been doing so well, but suffice it to say I am doing better than I was a couple of months ago, and hope to do better still someday.

No one has ever called my art narcotic before. As a connoisseur of the occasional mild narcotic, I recognize this as high praise. Yes, lines are a kind of solace. Honor, less so.

Are there examples of your own work to be seen online?

Tim

 

24 August 2007

Hey Tim,

I feel compelled to write to you once again. The first time was a few years ago. I'm in Japan and you mistook Yokohama for Okinawa when describing your bottled snake wine to me (Awamori, I think it is called).

Anyhoo...I still enjoy your work. As a Canadian observing America from Japan I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. We don't get a lot of English language media here, so I used to be an avid CNN junkie. Watching the run-up to the 2000 election (which was intertwined with the Elian Gonzales saga) and then the Florida putsch, one couldn't help but feel something dark and sinister was about to befall America.

There was a mock Time cover (photoshopped) that circulated around that time. It had the classic black background of mourning and Bush's simple, grinning mug with the bold-faced caption "WE ARE FUCKED". Did you see it? Do you remember the "Get Over It" mantra?

I was watching a Discovery Channel documentary about the Columbia disaster just today. "Falling Star" or some such title...I immediately thought back to what was happening in February of 2003. In retrospect, doesn't that event seem to have been portentious, in the Shakespearean mode? Everything that has happened since has been a dark and downward spiral of shit for the States.

Your comics, however, are a small reminder to your international audience that there IS a plurality of opinion in America. Americans aren't all Scumbelters or Bushies, right? We need to hear more about your America from the source. Buck up, little camper.

Okay, two more things: What do you think about dropping video iPods full of hardcore porn on Taliban redoubts in Pashtun/Pakistan. Genius, no?

The second thing: Please stop with the Kermit mouth rape gag. It saddens me.

Take it easy.

Kevin

ps. The throat-stab teaser really grabbed my interest. I have a lot of annoying personal questions, I'll have you know.

Kevin:

Mr. Kreider is satisfied with representing not the imbecile population of the United States, decreasing and weak although they can be. Well he remembers the "get over it" incantation to him of the Republican scum in the period of the thieved election. He does not "get over" this, or anything else, never. Always he cries for the dog disappeared from his youth, women that he had not the courage required to approach for decades. It is with him a curse.

I refer you to his drawing at the hour of the Colombia disaster (to notice Colombia is the mythical name traditional of The United States, and the English disaster = ill star in Latin), "Signs of Times of The End." It appeared one sick prediction indeed, one which envisaged clearly more far from good tidings of the things that came to pass. I would put to you in mind also with his earlier drawing, "Winning of the Hearts and Spirits," which comprised a similar bombardament of smut as you consider. But the universal covetousness for Ipods can indeed bring to this plan one improvement.

Mr. Kreider does not like any more to say the stabbing history, not because it is a significant question but because he must recite the statement on several occasions and it became a question of painful length with him.

It is dubious why you suppose that the fellatio represented with Kermit the frog-puppet is something other than consensual.

Respect,

C.-H.

 

24 August 2007

Just wanted to join the adoring throngs no doubt clamoring to welcome Tim back to the funny pages.

I'll spare him the words of consolation/advice/whatthefuckever but thought he might resonate somewhat with this recently published article on Mother Teresa - a more complex figure than I'd given her credit for, apparently:

http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1655415,00.html

Best wishes,

--

K. Signal Eingang

Some days you're the drill press, and some days you're the hamster.

 

25 August 2007

Dear Mr. Kreider (and/or Ms. Hautpanz),

In contrast to some of my previous letters, I shall this time be very brief.

Draw whatever the fuck you want.  Don't let ill-tempered politicoes with a George Bush idÄe-fixe tell you how to run your comic strip.  I'll still read it and enjoy it, whatever it is you draw.  Remember: White Poet-Warlord.

Enjoy Burning Man, and hopefully, put some of this dreadfulness "in perspective."  Whatever the hell that means.

Sincerely,

--M. Moyen

Mathieu Moyen:

As you saw, Mr. Kreider of course continues to draw the fuck he wants.

Although he did not attend Burning Man, he did organize a funeral, which also affords perspective.

Respect,

C.-H.

 

25 August 2007

Hello, Sir,

    I am writing to say 2 things:  I love your work. I think you are inspiring, interesting, intriguing, all that shit.

     I also have to say that I have been dumped too.  I know it sucks, but you still kick twenty kinds of ass.  The fact that I wrote out "twenty" proves this fact.

     Also, also ... if you like Hawkman, check this shit out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxaVxF1D0XM

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!

Brandon

Brandom Woodsm:

Mr. Kreider appreciated your compliments and comfort. Although he is a fan of the men of hawk, he believes that this short film is too irritating to the eyes. Nevertheless, to you he said:

GYEEEEAAAAGGGGGHH! (It is his spelling).

Respect,
C.-H

 

25 August 2007

Subject heading: YAY YER BACK

Holy hell, did you actually open this?

Okay. Well. There is a dude in Illinois and he likes yer work and hopes you get alla the good stuff.

Also I found a Kilban pillowcase in my closet the other day. This made me remember my theory that all nice people have Kilban Cat linens lying around somewhere from god knows when, because man, everyone I've ever gotten to know turned out to have a super-cat pillowcase or something eventually.

Then I remembered that was always a stupid theory. I am still drunk. I'm sorry, but really, that's what you get for actually reading a letter called "YAY YER BACK".

Go you!

That's all I got. Cheers!

-s

Scott Leaton:

As a child Mr. Kreider to his mother bought a dish-towel that said: "Love to eat mousies / Mousies are what I love eating / They bite little heads / Doing the nibble Feet." Thus, perhaps your theory is true after all.

It's all he has for you.

Respect,

C.-H.

 

27 August 2007

Greetings, Ms. H, or Mr. K, whomever reads this.

I...Mr. Kreider's...expression, in the comic of 08-22-07.  I am not in that place right now, I am presently in a relationship that...if it were to end...the expression, if you can call it that, on Mr. Kreider's face. I.  It's funny.  Is it the definition of art, to find it so emotionally evocative that you are unable to communicate what it means to you...to anyone, and were you able, would be almost reluctant?

I know that look, Mr. Kreider.  I desperately hope never, ever again to wear it.  However, as a human being who has, to one who is, good luck, my friend.

-Mark Sidwell

Mark Sidwell:

Mr. Kreider considers your words high praise indeed. His expression has changed some, but not much, I fear. We express our hope that you will not wear this face for some time coming soon. But he cites a counselor called Troi: "You can not be open to love without risking pain." Let me quote the French poet Valéry: "Love is to be stupid together."

Respect,

C.-H.

 

29 August 2007

Dear Tim,

I have found your website yesterday and passed all comics thru in last five hours. I value it a lot, because it shows me how the "old big democracy" (USA) is abused the same ways as our "new&small democracy" in Central Europe (Czech Republic).

I have three particular things:

First, I have to "heat my soup" and advertise one comics topic đ prepared establishing of US military base (rocketry defence system) in Czech Rep. And Poland. It's of course against opinion of local majority (we are a bit sensitive to foreign army presence after 20 years of heavy presence of Russian troops) and without asking people at all (they told us about the topic just after elections, we call at least for referendum, but there is no chance). It could be topic for one small strip, because EU will never save USA from tyranny when it will be itself occupied by US... ;-/

Second: Sorry for Pluto (and I have interesting feelings from the fact that it happened just in Prague - where I live ;-) ) Prague is too nice city for such decision, but there were worse things like WTO and NATO summits (and Mr. Bush's visit too), so never mind, Prague is already spoiled. But Pluto will live in our hearts forever - because we have learned in the elementary school that it IS a planet, so any IAU cannot change it :-)))

And third: What the hell is that FCC special order #237? I was trying to google around it for thirty minutes and didn't find anything specific. It is some kind of censorship, or just the fifth issue of "The Pain" was already too hot?

So that's all, keep up the work and everything and I really hope that your website will not disappear one day uncannily. (If it happens and you will be deciding where to flee, Czech people may recommend the Antarctic; maybe we meet there once.)

Best regards,

Vratislav Filler, scientist, Prague, Czech Republic (economically EU member, politically US colony)

Vratislav Filler,

I apologize for the delay in this reply. I decided to answer your letter myself, which is ironic since Ms. C.H. actually speaks your language. Doubtless she would know the charming idiom, "to heat [one's] soup." But perhaps it is fitting that she and I should each answer the letters from the other's native-language speakers. It maximizes the chances of misunderstanding and international incidents.

First of all I should say sorry my country's lost its collective shit and is trying to buy out, bully or flat-out crush the whole rest of the planet. Surely this can't go on for much longer--another twenty, fifty years tops. After that we'll be like all the other ex-empires on the planet--the Greek, the Italians, the Spanish, and Portugese and French and the English, and I'm sure you haven't forgotten the Germans. We'll have some good museums and good stories to tell and hopefully we'll be able to find a way to finally take it easy, kick back, enjoy retirement and and watch the rest of history from the sidelines as the occasionally diverting but ultimately tedious spectacle it is.

I regret the missiles. Not sure who we think we're defending you or ourselves against with our nuclear might, since the last people who attacked us came from Boston and had box cutters. But I am as helpless to alter this policy as you are.

Well, the hazards to democracy--corruption and abuse by powerful or moneyed interests, the ignorance and apathy of the people--are constant. Like a great American once said, "the price of freedom is eternal vigilance." It's something of a drag, but, as I'm sure I don't have to tell you, it beats tyranny.

No getting around it: the Pluto decision was a kick in the head. But I think Prague has amassed enough cultural and historical gravitas that it's not going to be remembered for that dishonorable moment. It's not like it was the fault of Czech scientists. And I believe we have not heard the last of Pluto.

[Mr. Kreider is expressly forbidden to comment on Special Order 237 by the articles of Special Order 237.]

See You in Balmy Antarctica,

Tim Kreider

 

30 August 2007

Dear Tim,

Please accept my deepest sympathies for the loss of your friend.

I am only 45, but I have already noticed the anti-silver-lining of life: the longer YOU live, the more of your friends you must watch pass away. I have lost two fathers (adoptive and birth); my oldest friend; and a dear friend from high school, all within the past few years.  The first three were claimed by cancer, the last one by a stupid, pointless car accident (as opposed to, say, a very clever and effective car accident such as one that leaves a vice-Presidential motorcade at the bottom of a very high cliff).

I don't know what claimed your friend, but it sounded sudden and that always hurts in a special way.  The first symptom of my adoptive father's brain cancer was when he fell unconscious, and he died three weeks later.  I found my birthfather ten years ago and met him all of twice - he died three weeks after a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer, before I could get to see him, and on my birthday of all days. And my friend Joe, well, he was hit by a third car while exchanging insurance information after a fender-bender.  Sudden sucks.

It sounds like you are already having a shitty year, and this can't be helping.  Please accept my condolences, and my assurance that, as someone who has also had shitty years (1987 comes to mind particularly), they can be survived, and we can be better people for enduring them. It's just that at the time they hurt like having a large jagged stone dragged the wrong way through your entire digestive track.

Best of luck, and thank you for your art - it enriches my life and I enjoy sharing your books with my (appalled and then delighted) friends...

--Bob Alberti

Robert Alberti:

First, we regret that it has taken so long to delay to answer. Whether you read the comics weekly, things were "balls head office" of late. My mandate here is at its end, and Mr. Kreider, until recently, was completely crazy.

Your words of sympathy and kindness mean much to Mr. Kreider. It is true, it was a tough year for him. Most all of the pain is from the loss of friends. These mean more with him than anything else, and in a short time, he lost a lot of them. Indeed, it is like the large pointed boulder fired by the intestines.

However, he intends to survive all his friends, and to write to all the praise. Fortunately, Mr. Kreider's tribute has already been written for him by his friend Boyd. It ends with these words: "Above all, he was an ass man of the utmost importance." These are words for mounting him.

For some, it is always 1987.

Respect,

C.-H.