Artist's Statement
I’ve been carrying this title around in the “Works-in-Progress”
folder for months now, and finally drew it this week out of what
I guess you’d have to call desperation. It’s been
getting harder and harder for me to start work on the cartoon
every week, not helped by the fact that I procrastinate until
the weekend, with the result that it always feels like having
to do your math homework on Sunday night when you know Battlestar
Galactica’s on. This week, on a warm spring Saturday
night in Manhattan’s East Village, I sat in my tiny apartment
wretchedly drawing and scanning and photoshopping, tormented by
the pointless screams of the young and the wasted from the street
below.
Our first three panels are all more or less obvious parodies
of various science-fiction movie dystopias: Waterworld, Mad
Max, and a combination of 12 Monkeys and 28
Days Later. My friend and webmaster Dave once wrote a song
about how science-fiction films have prepared us well for every
conceivable dystopian and/or apocalyptic contingency, if only
we have paid attention to their lessons. We all now know, for
example, that any worldwide pandemic carries with it the risk
of widespread zombieism. For some reason I invariably seem to
associate Jim Fisher with post-apocalyptic scenarios (see him
as “James the Large,” ruler of the lands between Cool
Branch Road and 543, in the cartoons “The Next Terrorist
Attack” and “Who Wouldn’t You Vote for Over
George W. Bush?”). I suspect Jim will thrive in the post-apocalyptic
environment, if for no other reason than because of his oft-stated
readiness to resort to cannibalism. The last panel is a combination
of The Jetsons and the even more inept fantasies of Christian
fundamentalists about the Rapture and Heaven.
It does seem like sort of a horse race between the four horsemen
of the Apocalypse these days: global warming, peak oil, pandemic,
and let’s don’t forget nuclear holocaust. What, you
think they took apart all the nuclear warheads and buried all
that uranium back in the ground? No. They are still out there,
in their silos, many of them in what’s left of the Soviet
Union, in the hands of badly disillusioned men with dramatically
decreased life expectancies who haven’t gotten a paycheck
in a decade, blind drunk on cheap vodka. Think about that sometime
when you’re trying to fall back asleep at three A.M.
The flunkies of the Bush administration are the very last people
on the planet still in denial about global warming, just as they
are about Iraq. Even USA Today and Time, the
big color picturebooks of news for stupid people, have finally
come out and announced to their readers, several decades belatedly,
that the debate about global warming is over, it’s real
and happening right now. But of course George famously doesn’t
read the papers, he gets his information directly from the well-informed
former CEOs of oil companies. There are days when I think that
the official refusal to acknowledge or do anything about global
warming—the callous willingness to forfeit the future of
our species for the sake of short-term profits—may be not
only the most evil thing happening on the planet right now, worse
than Iraq or Dafur, but the most evil thing that’s ever
been done in human history. It depends on whether or not it eventually
causes the extinction of humanity. We will have to wait and see.
If it does, boy, both the Bushes, father and son, are going to
have some explaining to do.
A friend of mine has offered to pay for me to attend a conference
on Peak Oil in New York later this month. A Google search of the
term “peak oil” will instantly tell you far more than
you ever wanted to know about this subject and immerse you in
a subculture of somewhat tediously well-informed people who believe
with alarming certainty and unanimity that modern society is going
to go to all to hell in the near future. Suffice it to say that
“peak oil” refers to that historical moment at which
the depletion of the resource will exceed production, a point
we may pass in the next few years, or may indeed already have
passed. Exacerbating the crisis is the fact that the Indians and
the Chinese have just learned that cars are fun to have. (The
most readily comprehensible and alarming analogy I’ve read
is that, in party terms, we have one six-pack, of which we’ve
drunk four cans [!], a bunch of new people have just shown up
with no beer, and it’s after two.) After this happens, energy
prices will continue to rise and never come back down, massive
shortages and crises will become common, and eventually the infrastructure
of industrial civilization will collapse, after which we will
descend into Mad Maxian squalor and savagery and terrible warlords
such as Lord Humungus will assume control of what’s left
of society.* Estimates on when this will begin happening range
from fifteen or twenty years (according to most petroleum geologists
in public speeches) to one or two (according to the same scientists
later on at the hotel bar). The scariest part is, western civilization
has no Plan B. Anyone in a position of wealth and power in this
society has a lot personally invested in the oil economy and no
incentive to risk any capital on exploring other options. Our
current contingency for what to do when the oil runs out is: we’re
fucked. My friend Rob is preparing for this eventuality by buying
gold and moving to New Zealand (a questionable choice, as it is
within eventual striking distance of Lord Humungus’s fearsome
punk hordes). He is also proselytizing about the danger to his
friends, trying to convince them all too keep their assets liquid
and head for places that have less distance too fall when the
lights go out, which is why he’s offered to pay my way to
this conference. I keep trying to gently explain to Rob that in
the event of a global collapse my plan is: to die. I am a frivolous
person and will go the way of all extravagances when the shit
hits the fan. However Jim, philosopher-king of the post-apocalyptic
world, assures me that Rob has always been a crackpot and a pussy
and good riddance to him, not to worry, there’s plenty of
oil, we’ll figure something out before it runs out, so just
relax and take another half a Xanax and why not get myself a beer
from the fridge. I would like to feel comforted by this advice
but the fact that it is roughly identical to the official position
of the Bush adminstration RE: oil and alternative energy sources
(except for the Xanax and beer) disquiets me.
As for a pandemic, I am less worried about this only because
I know less about the facts. I am sure if I did even the most
cursory research into the possibilities I would immediately barricade
myself at my undisclosed location on the Chesapeake Bay with a
face mask and gloves on, a decade’s supply of canned Italian
wedding soup and Juicy Juice, and a Thompson gun to mow down the
inevitable waves of zombies.
Me, of the alternatives depicted in this cartoon, my money’s
on global warming. Even if industrial civilization does collapse
and millions like me die because they never learned how to catch
a rabbit or build a lean-to, there are still hundreds of millions
more who never had a toaster oven or central heat who’ll
get by living in what we would consider squalor as comfortably
as they always have. Humans lived as hunter-gatherers for hundreds
of thousands of years. We’ll be fine. And in every epidemic,
even horrifically virulent ones like the Black Death that wiped
out two-thirds the population of Europe, or the Flu pandemic that
killed millions of people at the turn of the century, there are
always people whose immune systems are mysteriously resistant.
The race will survive. But if the global average temperature rises
by even a few degrees, we are all going to die. Anyone taken a
look at Venus lately? Real estate values there are the lowest
in the solar system. Of course inevitably the end of the world
will instead be brought about by some freakish dark-horse disaster,
like the double-whammy of a meteor shower that blinds everyone
and walking killer plants in Day of the Triffids. Of
only one thing can we be absolutely sure: whichever calamity brings
an end to humanity, no matter how long, how often, how urgently,
and how publicly scientists have been warning us about it, if
George Bush is still in charge, he will say: “No one
could have predicted that [global warming, oil depletion,
a pandemic] could have posed such an immediate and serious threat.”
Meanwhile George, who is not only ignorant and indifferent but
actively hostile to science, since its findings are so ungodly
and unpatriotic, keeps his fingers jammed firmly in his ears singing
an hysterical “la la la” hymn of denial while rolling
his eyes Heavenward, believing that in the very near future he
and his Righteous God-fearing cronies will all be lifted bodily
into the clouds, there to dwell with Jesus forever and ever while
us sinners and liberals back on Earth get smitten hard by flaming
hail and locusts and lepers. The President of the United States
believes this, literally. Louis the XIV believed that he was the
Sun King, with a divine right to rule. Moctezuma believed that
Cortez was the return of Quetzalcoatl. Caligula believed he was
a god. They were all executed, and their empires are gone now.
*I just plain stole the line of dialogue about “the Ayatollah
of Rock ‘n’ Rollah” from The Road Warrior,
because it’s so funny. Thanks and apologies to Terry Hayes
and George Miller, that film’s screenwriters.
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