Artist's Statement

Mr. Kreider thanks Samuel Sweelssen of Europe for the topic and title of the drawing this week. Seldom he takes the suggestion of readers, preferring to steal from the friends, but he remains without inspiration and capable only of the drudgery. It is a pitiful thing to see a great artist thus lowered. He gave up his traditional place of summer on the Bay Chesapeake, which I occupy and maintenance in his place for the moment (as well as to worry about the hated cat). His present situation is unknown to me. He emails drawings to me without the report. It must be hoped that he is among friends.

Following are results of the contest of last week, chosen by Mr. Kreider. I request the readers to give up the sending of captions. They threaten to overpower me. I am advised that the "Marmaduke" character concerned is an American cartoon dog of colossal proportion.

WINNER

"Keep pumping that jism in, that baby ain't gonna make itself." – Steve Wilsher

RUNNERS-UP

"Another 14 and a half quarts and I can afford one of them iPhones." – Peter Mullins

"Slouches toward Bethlehem my ass.  I told that !@#$%! Dick Cheney that if he wanted me to have his kid I was going to have it right here at the Jo-Mar Inn so I wouldn't have to miss Happy Hour." - Buddy Stachowski

"I control the juice; I control the universe." – Scott Stiefel

"Marmaduke is literally adorable." – "Geroge Bush"

OTHER EXCELLENT SUBMISSIONS

"Shit!  We went to war and still the goddamn price of pussyjuice is going

down."– Webmaster Dave (disqualified)

"They send you to get the OB-GYN out?" – Jesse Heinig

"Use some bleach, I slept with Limbaugh last night." – Greg Warren Peterson

"He’d go in after you." – Ben Azcarraqui

It was either this or the army."

"Your job is to pull the tube out when I die." – "George Bush"

"Now do you believe I was abducted by aliens?" – Jonathan Mayo

"Yer goddamn right things'er better w'bush! I dunno WHAT 'th hell we'd do if

tha'damn HILRY gets in thir..." – Justin Dopke

"If I put the mop up there too, it's gonna cost you extra" – Nic Romano

"Good Lord. Keep those Taliban people away from me." - Jeremy Smith

"Juice must flow."

"Flow's dropping off. Give it a few pokes with that handle." – Scott Stiefel

"D'ya think they'll ever get all the cobwebs out?"

"So far they've found a watch an' a kosher pickle from 1980" – Sarah [no last name]

Hhnnn!  ... *squish – Brandon Woods

"Who the fuck cares?" – William Ashbless

so u really think a high colonic is the answer........ – "Afro K"

"ANOTHER HOUR, ANOTHER COLONIC…GET ANOTHER MOP, DOPE!"

"HIRAM, IS IT TRUE ‘SHIT RUNS DOWNHILL?" – Todd Holden

''That new Coors light bottle is badassss!''- Gmdanek

"Can you get that for me, hon?"

"Cleanup on Aisle, pee!" – Phil Spada

"Tell that worthless barista I asked for Colombia Nariño Supremo. This tingles more like French Roast Decaf."

-John Wilkins, Canada

"I hope you're looking forward to our vacation down the ocean as much as I am"

Warren Cherry

"LITTLE TO THE LEFT K-FED!"

"THEY DON' CALL ME TH' QUEEN O' POP FER NOTHIN!"

"Gol' Dang! I gotta do ever'thang roun' here!?’

"Be a dear Jeb, and make sure his air hose aint got a kink." – Andrew Stone

"See, the trouble with those people is they got no respect for human

dignity." – Stephen Wells

1: "Gawd DAMMIT, Marmaduke! Don't eat the mayulman! HAW!!! Thet retawded

dawg remahnds me uv yuh pappy. C'ept I ain't never fucked too many dawgs.

Say, boy,...you mahndin' the juice pump? I ain't feelin' nuthin, and them

Odwalla people be heah tomorrah fuh they shipment."

2: "Interesting. Wentworth...turn off the Douchenator, prepare the

Hillbilly Battlewagon, and fetch me the Flip-Flops of Fire! Captain America

is ALIVE, ......and now I know where that motherfucker IS."

Alternate: "PAPUR SEZ I CAN HAS 50 CHEEZBURGERZ!???" – JJ Barkett

"I tell ya, there ain't nothin' weirder than these homos tryin' ta marry." - Inox

"Looks like stock values in the miniature-bottle birthing industry are slipping. Better pull the overtime while you can, Horace. This industry won't last." – Tyson Daniels

DAMN THIS FARTILITY CRAP AND DAMN YOUR REPTILE DISHFUNCTION! – Rae Rossen

"I'm a God Warrior!" – "jokeonyou"

"I'm pushin' out yer next comic now Kreider"

"Birthin' Liberty in Iraq? Naw, this here's Chaos."

"Dammit, that bastard Kreider ran a repeat again."

"I'm not givin' birth, my hoochie is the VP's 'undisclosed location'"

"Pelvic exam? Naw, I almost died from my last bikini wax." – Bob Alberti

"And yet, I still feel more dignified than a telemarketer." – James Ross

"Hey, after this want to go out for sushi?" –Carolyn Ewald

"Well, he's done quit moving around at all. Better pull 'im out, bet he's done went an' got th' airhose twisted up agin'. An' Ah ain'ta commin' back ta see no damn midget ginnecolojist evah agin, nossir!" – Joel Carson

"These Craftmatics look way more comfortable on TV." – Josh Kilrain