Thanks to my friend Steve who, when we were
discussing Obama’s astonishing recent gains in the
Shithead States last night, sighed ruefully: “Unfortunately,
he’s still black.” And there it was, the perfect
cartoon for last week, too late to see print but not for
the internet, where I offer to my readers it as a bonus/apology
for last week’s lameass effort.
Just this week a reader finally forwarded
me one of the batshit emails that’s been circulating
citing bogus scripture to accuse Obama of being the antichrist.
I replied to everyone on the list of addressees, correcting
their Biblical scholarship, quoting the very end of the
Revelation of St. John to the effect that anyone who took
away from or added to the book would be afflicted with
all the plagues described therein and also lose His place
in the book of life, and told them all, in effect, to try
actually reading the fucking Bible. Don't try to quote
made-up scripture to a former Mennonite, you idolatrous,
lucre-worshipping Christian wannabes. I may be headed for
the second circle of Hell (don't ask) but you guys are
going straight to the eighth (for blasphemers) or even
the ninth (for the fraudulent). You are fucked eight ways
to Sunday in the eyes of the Lord.
Anyway, I urge you
all to counter these crude and idiotic innuendos by spreading
on the internet that Obama is secretly white. In fact—yes—here’s
my suggestion to all my fellow canvassers in swing states
this weekend. When you encounter undecided voters who seem
to have evasive, ill-defined excuses for why they’re “uncomfortable” with
Obama, just kind of look over both shoulders and then
tell them, all sotto voce, that he’s really white. Here’s
“Sure—that’s why he’s
so well-spoken! You didn’t seriously think a black dude
could give speeches like that? No, no, he’s just
in blackface to win over the African-American vote—the
Democrats knew it was the only way they could win the election.
Didn’t you figure that out? Geez, I thought everyone
knew that by now. Only the Negroes were supposed to be
fooled. Obama wears a suit and tie, for crying out loud!
Black people don’t wear ties, they wear, y'know,
big floppy hats and zebraskin shoes and stuff. Haven’t
you seen Sanford & Son?”
I’m heading for Philadelphia on Sunday,
and then back to my Undisclosed Location to vote. Hopefully
I will be spending Tuesday night and Wednesday roaming
the streets guzzling whole bottles of champagne and
kissing total strangers on the mouth.
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